Subversives p 254 extreme
9-5-2020
Due to the recent trend of constant humiliation and failure throughout Cryztorch Inc., Lower Management has made the very wise decision to seek outside their subpar staff gene pools for an expert in nefarious doings. Due to my reputation as the best at being the worst, I was the naturally nefarious choice to fill the position of Head Problems Engineer.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Self, what is a Problems Engineer?” If so, congratulations, you are somehow even dumber than you look (and I assure you that you already looked exceptionally stupid). This “blog” is not a space for fond reminiscing of your missing children or a group therapy session for transdimensional daddy issues. It is a place for cataloging our most devious schemes, absolute domination, and, of course, celebrating our exploits in evil of the utmost efficiency.
Yours in Dark Sophism,
Dr. Nunya Buzzness
9-20-2020
During my short tenure here I have already begun to right this ridiculously wayward ship (no thanks to my incompetent “colleagues”). Cryztorch’s re-branding has already attracted new investors, valuable partnerships, and renewed fear in the heart of every child all while increasing our stock price to an unholy new zenith. Not to mention, the recent public release of our ZIBThreader will help put evil into the claws of every common plebeian from Zorch to Pyom! (Get yours today.)
I should also tell you, (because why the hell not when you’re as awesome as I am), I have been single handedly driving our more recent technological advancements ever growing the expanse of our great FHTR’s clutches. More importantly, and despite any rumors you may have heard, we have hit ZERO snags in finding a sustainable source of Entity Flow. The days of siphoning Flow off of brainless N*nch*l*nts will soon be at an end and all of our nefarious nightmares powered to their fullest.
May the Hole continue to grow in its abysmal infinitude!
-Nunya OUT
12-6-2020
Hey, Suckers! I know you all missed me terribly...well fear not
(on second thought, go ahead and fear your little hearts out), your dear Doctor is back!
You know that feeling when everything is going perfectly and it’s all because of how awesome you are? Yeah, I didn’t think so...but I sure do! It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyways) that our technological advances continue to expand at an ever increasing rate. Most recently, our new ZIBTracker fulfills Cryztorch’s long term nightmare of being able to hunt down pure unadulterated Flow - you know, the goody goody stuff. Really brings a sneer to my face just thinking about how many future Flow poachers we’re empowering!
As if that wasn’t enough, my new hiring initiative is bringing in deliciously fresh blood to further fuel Cryztorch’s meteoric rise! I don’t mean to toot my own horn (just kidding, of course I do) but the applications we’ve received represent a kind of evil and chaos that are guaranteed to strengthen our growing ranks...
But just wait, I haven’t even gotten to the best part! Our best applicants have already proven themselves to be exceptionally, shall we say...informative.
since I’m in such an awesome mood today, here’s a little taste...Enjoy!
-NB
3-26-2021
I know, I know, I know, you all missed me SO MUCH!!! Well let me tell YOU, your guy Nunya has been killing it lately (metaphorically...maybe?) and I’m sure you want to hear all about it.
You remember that genius hiring initiative of mine? You better hold onto your Borts Minorts curlers because it was an INCREDIBLE SUCCESS (obviously)! We were so impressed by how eager and willing some of our applicants were to not only sell their souls but also betray their friends and families that we hired not one, not two, but THREE new recruits!
Now, you might be wondering who these exceptional recruits are and what they’ll be doing at Cryztorch, Inc. Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret...IT’S NONE OF YOUR DOD-DARN BUSINESS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA, gotcha good didn’t I? Fine, since you’re probably squirming in your chair like the pathetic chumps you are, here are our applicants in all their depraven glory!